Q. I have been married for 15 years and have three children. About a year ago my husband lost interest in sex. I've tried to talk to him about this but all he will say is it's not because of me. He says I'm a good wife and a good mother. He just doesn't feel sexy anymore. What should I do?
A. You need to find out what is causing your husband’s loss of interest in sex. Is he experiencing a lack sexual potency that he's too embarrassed to reveal? Is he having an affair? Is he under extreme pressure on his job which leaves him exhausted? Does the intimacy of marriage scare him? Perhaps he has told you in the past about things that bother him, which you dismissed as minor. Does he feel dominated by you? Can he disagree with you? How do you settle differences? Answers to these questions may provide some clues to what may be troubling him.
Your husband's loss of interest in sex also could be due to grief. Have there been any deaths or serious illnesses in the family (including extended family) or among close friends within recent years? Was he a victim of sex abuse as a child? This can happen to boys as well as girls and affects the adult sex life of many victims.
You need to lovingly confront your husband in order to obtain answers. Pick a time to talk when he is rested and you won't be interrupted. Tell him that you need the connection, intimacy and love that marital sex offers. Tell him that you want him to go with you to see a counselor.
He may be blaming himself for problems that are caused unwittingly by both of you in your interaction together. Insist on getting help. This is crucial to your marriage. Find a Christian marriage counselor and go to the counselor with him. This is a marital problem, not just a sexual one. A book that may help is When Victims Marry by Don & Jan Frank.
“Unrelenting disappointment leaves the heart sick, but a sudden good break can turn life around.” Proverbs NIV