Psych Info: IT’S NOT MY FAULT!

Q. I’m always being blamed and criticized. My childhood was difficult, we were poor, and I was abused. I’ve tried to overcome all this and live a good life but I don’t get any help from my family, friends or employer. They gripe and complain about things I do or don’t do. I’m sick of it. What can I do to get love and approval from others?

A. In order to get love and approval from others you must honestly face your faults. Most of us deny we have anything to do with the negative experiences we have in life. We yearn for others to change and act kindly toward us. We react with defensiveness to criticism or fault finding. This is typical of mankind. In the Bible, Adam and Eve blamed each other, God and the devil! They evaded all responsibility for their actions.

   

Our culture encourages us to excuse ourselves and blame others. Our culture supports us in our self-focus. We say for example, “If I hadn’t been abused as a child I wouldn’t get angry so easily.”  “If my husband helped me more I wouldn’t be so tired and irritable.” “If my boss was nicer, I wouldn’t make mistakes and I’d get more done.”  “If my children would listen to me I wouldn’t yell at them so much.” We’re full of “ifs” which we use to blame or excuse our negative behavior on the basis of what others do to us.

   

The childhood reasons you give for your behavior may have been the original causes for your anger, frustration and unhappiness. You did have a hard life as a child.  But when you use this as an excuse for your behavior today you remain stuck. What kind of a person do you want to be now?  Do you want to be a mother who yells, a wife who is irritable or an inept employee?  You can’t change the past but you can change your attitudes and behavior now and in the future.

If you want to get love and acceptance from others you first need to work on changing yourself. Changing yourself is not an easy task but since it’s impossible to change anyone but yourself it must be your focus.

   

Begin by facing yourself honestly. Don’t defend yourself when you’re criticized or blamed by someone else. Instead, stop and consider whether there is any truth to the criticism. If there is, acknowledge this at least to yourself and start making changes in yourself. If there’s no truth to the criticism you can just forget it without defending yourself.

   

Admit to yourself your angry and hurt feelings toward those who mistreated you as a child or as an adult. Feelings are OK. It’s what we do with them that can hurt us and others. Write your feelings in a journal or pour them out to God in prayer. This will help you let go of resentment and anger.

   

The most difficult step is to admit the many ways in which you have wronged or hurt others. Make of list of your faults and then confess these to God, to a pastor or a counselor, or even to the person you wronged. Facing the truth about ourselves is painful and difficult. We don’t want to admit our own flaws or faults. We don’t want to take responsibility for our own behavior and attitudes. 

   

Be patient with yourself in taking these steps. Being totally honest with yourself and others will free you. You will then be able to forgive yourself and love and accept yourself. When you have reached this point your inner acceptance and God’s acceptance will be all that matters. The change in you will draw the love and acceptance of others. You will enjoy this but will no longer need it.

“Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces.” Psalm 34:5

Blessings, Dottie

HOW TO KEEP OUR BRAINS SHARP

Q. I’m in my seventies and I’m healthy and active but sometimes forgetful.  Many of my friends say they are also unable to remember things as well as they could in the past.  What can we do to exercise our brains so we can remain mentally sharp as we grow older? 

A. There are many things we can do to exercise our brains and keep them sharp. It will help to understand a little about how the brain works. The left side of the brain controls logical thinking and the right side involves creative and intuitive thinking. The two sides of the brain think in totally different ways. The left brain thinks in words. The right brain thinks in pictures.

We develop the various functions of our brains when we use them. Thus, we develop our right brain when we paint a picture, listen to music, play a musical instrument or sing. We develop our left brain when we read, write, study or discuss something. 

To keep our brains sharp we need to use our brains in new and creative ways. We need to stretch our brains just as we need to stretch our bodies.  People who are artistic or musical will have well developed right brains.  However, most of us have focused our education on the left brain activities of reading, writing and arithmetic.

We can develop the more neglected side of our brains by being aware of the images in our minds. We have visual images in our minds more often then most of us realize. We can use this imaging ability consciously to help us in many ways. For example, to remember Angela Green’s name you might picture a green angel when you first hear her name. This will help you recall it later.

       

Athletes visualize perfect athletic performances.  These images enable them to improve their own performance. Even our bodily functions are affected by visual images. It’s possible for some people to raise the temperature of their hands just by visualizing touching a hot stove.  Similarly, an image of running to catch a train can produce an increased pulse rate.

       

The images in the right brain affect how we function in life. Often negative emotions result from negative images in our minds. We can use mental images to overcome negative emotions. Begin to notice the images that accompany your thoughts. This will take practice and awareness.  Replace each negative thought with a positive image of a peaceful scene or a positive picture of yourself and your situation. 

       

To keep your brain sharp and make it sharper do some of the following:  

1. Take a class that requires some study on your part and some opportunity to express and discuss ideas. Learning a foreign language increases the capacity of the language centers of the brain. The more we use our brains, the more we stretch them. 

2. Picture in your mind doing a task before you do it. This will exercise your right brain’s visualizing ability.

3. Change your routines. For example, take a different route to the shopping center or to church. Our brains get lazy unless we challenge them to work.

4. Work crossword puzzles or other games that make your brain work.  Many people enjoy these puzzles without realizing they are beneficial.

5. Listen to music, take up a musical instrument, join a choir, or take a painting class. It’s never too late to learn. 

6. Meditate and pray. This calms our bodies and our brains, reducing stress.  It also exercises and develops a serene center of the mind and connects us with God. 

“Love the Lord God with all your heart, soul, MIND, and strength." Mark 12:30

Blessings, Dottie

STYLES OF LOVING

Q.  My husband and I have been married for twenty years. We get along well with each other most of the time.  However, I often am disappointed in my husband’s lack of affection. He doesn’t like to say “I love you.” He also “forgets” to buy me a valentine or to remember my birthday. He says he shows me love by earning a living. I know I can’t change him but I’m hungry for more words of love from him.  What do you suggest?

A. All of us need to both give and receive love. Some of us deny this need by acting self-sufficient, distant or aloof. But the need is there. There are a number of styles of loving which we use without thought; ways in which we express love to our husband or wife. We learn some of these styles of loving in childhood. They are the ways we have been shown love. We may also long for some expression of love that we never received as a child. 

In marriage there are often misunderstandings about our styles of loving. We grow up in different families and learn different ways to show love. Most of us have one or two love languages that we prefer. The trick is to learn what our partner’s styles of loving are and then meet his or her needs by giving in these ways.

Here are some of the love languages we use:

1. Affirming words. When we speak kind words to our mate we’re showing love. Notice moods or concerns and comment with empathy about whatever your partner is going through. Affirming words also include giving compliments, expressing our appreciation and praising the person for what truly pleases us about them. Be specific and positive when giving affirmations and don’t tack on anything negative or the affirmation will be lost.

2. Spending time together. How often do we give our partner our undivided attention? This is difficult in today’s fast paced world but it is essential in order to really connect and show love. Turning off the TV for fifteen minutes each evening, can make a difference. Talk about you inner hopes, dreams and fears. Sharing from the heart connects us. We also feel loved when we are involved in an activity together and when we go out on a “date” or get away overnight together.

3. Giving and receiving gifts. Love is also expressed by giving gifts. Special dates which are remembered with a gift can touch us deeply. Spontaneous small gifts for no reason also are meaningful.

4. Serving each other. When we volunteer to help our partner with a difficult project or a needed errand, we’re showing our love. Helping with routine chores also says love. Flexibility in this is helpful. For example, we can occasionally do a chore our partner usually does as a surprise or because we know they’re unusually busy. 

5. Affectionate touch. Physical expressions of love including holding hands, hugging, kissing, pats on the back, cuddling and sex are essential to our health and well being and they mean love. Take time to touch every day.

Most of us have one or two styles of loving that we prefer. Show your husband this blog post and ask him which are his favorite ways to be shown love. Then tell him what your favorites are. Most of us show love to our partner in the ways we need to be shown love. Broaden your styles of showing him love and he may do the same. Women often have to lead the way in teaching men about close relationships. The happiest marriages include all five styles of loving.

“Let love and faithfulness never leave you.” Proverbs 3:3a

Blessings, Dottie                                                       

FASCINATING BOOKS ABOUT PEOPLE & EVENTS IN HISTORY

Here are book reviews of four good books. Enjoy! 

Sons and Soldiers: The Untold Story of the Jews who escaped the Nazis and Returned with the U. S. Army to Fight Hitler

By Bruce Henderson

Sons and Soldiers is a New York Times best seller for good reason. It is a truly amazing history about World War II but with a twist – a story never told before. Many German Jews sent their children to the United States to save them from the Nazi’s slaughter. As adults many were drafted to fight in the war – and they were eager to do so. After basic training the Army selected new recruits proficient in German to join a special unit. They were then trained to interrogate prisoners and were sent to the front lines to help us win the war. The book is spell binding, describing in detail each individual’s experiences in battle just behind the lines and in great danger. Their methods of interrogation are also fascinating. The atrocities of the Nazi’s are awful but we need to remember them.

Dreamers and Deceivers: True Stories of the Heroes and Villains who made America

By Glenn Beck

Dreamers and Deceivers is a fascinating book describing many unknown tales behind a variety of famous or not so famous people in recent history. There are ten chapters each offering a gripping account of ingenious little known people and well known people– one who launched the radio and another the tech age of computers. Two presidents are in the mix – Grover Cleveland and his mysterious disappearance and Woodrow Wilson’s deception. In addition we learn about Ponzi and his deceptive scheme and the genius and flaws of Desi Arnez. This is a very interesting book.

Strength in What Remains

by Tracy Kidder  

This is an amazing though disturbing book. It tells the true story of a medical student, Deo, who escaped from the devastating civil war and genocide in Burundi and came to the United States. The author details the traumas he encounters both in his home country and as an immigrant who doesn’t speak English. The story is told with a number of flashbacks and flash forwards which give almost agonizing detail about his trials and his pain through all this. Deo is amazingly persistent and determined to complete his medical training and to help his people heal. Deo should inspire all of us to overcome our troubles and pursue difficult goals in life.

7 Women and the Secret of Their Greatness

By Eric Metaxas

The stories of seven amazing women are featured in this best selling book. Each chapter describes a woman who has changed the course of history.  These women lived difficult lives yet boldly and courageously changed the world. The women are Joan of Arc, Susanna Wesley, Hanna More, Saint Maria of Paris, Corrie ten Boom, Rosa Parks, and Mother Teresa. Hanna More played a role in the abolition of slavery in Great Britain; Saint Maria of Paris was a hero of the Greek Orthodox Church. I knew nothing about these two before reading this book. Each woman lived an amazing life of influence and integrity. The chapter on Rosa Parks gave me more appreciation of her story. The chapter on Mother Teresa inspired and challenged me. She lived a truly holy life ministering to all.  Each chapter is well researched and beautifully written with brilliant insight into these role models of greatness. I highly recommend this book.

Blessings, Dottie