The
Butterfly Effect
Q. My marriage has been
unhappy for a number of years. We argue or are distant for a week or two each
month. When things get tense I suggest counseling but my husband refuses to go
for help. What can I do?
A. Change in a marriage
is possible even when only one person seeks help. Change makes a difference
when one person makes minor but meaningful changes. In fact the relationship
may improve dramatically. This is due to “the butterfly effect.” “The butterfly effect” was discovered by a
well known meteorologist, Edward Lorenz, who discovered that a butterfly
flapping its wings in Brazil may create a tornado in Texas. Michele
Weiner-Davis in her book Divorce Busting
cites evidence that “the butterfly effect” also is at work in relationships.
One person can change a marriage.
Do Something Different
Small
changes by one spouse make a difference. This information gives hope for
troubled marriages in which only one partner is willing to make changes. Weiner-Davis
says if things aren’t working do something different. Stop blaming your mate
and study the interaction patterns between you. When you see the problems as
the other person’s fault the solution is out of your control. For example, it
takes two people to argue – so don’t argue. Listen and get a clear
understanding of your husband’s viewpoint. Summarize what you’ve heard him say.
This doesn’t mean you agree. It will show him you understand. Do you want to be
right or be happy? I’m not saying you should give in to him. But choose your
timing and your battles. And hear his viewpoint before sharing yours.
Most
couples, in attempting to solve their marital problems keep using the same
solutions over and over again even though it’s obvious that these solutions are
not working. In fact, when the one attempting to fix the problems finds that
his or her first efforts aren’t working the next tactic usually is to increase their
efforts and do even more of the same thing. This approach maintains the problems
and may even increase them. The solution then becomes part of the problem. For
example, someone seeking more closeness from a partner who is distant may actually
be creating more distance.
Do More of What Works.
Note the
times you and your partner are getting along well. What are you doing during
those times that you are not doing when things are difficult? For example are
you smiling or frowning? Are you listening with interest or is your mind
wandering?
Small
changes such as smiling more or listening with real interest are affirming to
the other person and can make a difference. A change in your interest in your
husband’s activities and viewpoints can make a huge difference. If you’re
usually serious – say something funny or off the wall. If you nag about chores
stop this but put up a list of chores. Communicating in writing often works.
Look for
minimal results. Don’t expect perfection. No marriage is perfect. All marriages
have difficult times. The troublesome times will never vanish but they can be
less frequent, less destructive and shorter in length. Surprise your husband
and do something different! Think of yourself as a butterfly flapping its
wings! One person can change a marriage.
“A woman of gentle grace gets respect.” Proverbs 11:16 The Message
Blessings,
Dottie
