Long Happy Marriages

Q.  You have written many times about marriages that are in trouble; about couples having very serious problems.  What can you say about marriages that work; marriages that are happy and fulfilling?  What are the ingredients in a successful marriage?

A. There are some long-term marriages in which couples are resigned to continue to live together. These are "survivor" marriages. Marriages in which there is satisfaction and excitement are "creative marriages."

         

Most lasting marriages include some "survivor" times and some "creative" times.  Even the most creative marriages will have some empty spots or lulls. Also, a seemingly empty marriage may actually be built on deep attachments.

         

There are many characteristics of long-term marriages. I'll describe the four I think are most important.

         

1. Couples in long-term happy marriages have an ability to change and to tolerate change. They allow each other to grow and change and they welcome the changes of the past decades.

         

2. Couples in long-term happy marriages are able to live with unresolved conflict. They accept the fact that some deep-seated conflicts will never be resolved. The marriage will never be perfect. They focus on the strengths of their marriage, not its weaknesses.

         

3. The third characteristic of long-term happy marriages is trust. Love may come and go during the marriage, in times of anger, for example, but trust is there even during the angry or distant times. Each partner trusts the other with his or her inner self. Each partner trusts that the self will not be ridiculed or violated; each trusts that it will be nurtured and protected.

         

4. The fourth characteristic of long-term happy marriages is enjoyment of each other.  Couples in long-term happy marriages like one another, enjoy being together and enjoy talking to each other. They also enjoy each other sexually and are affectionate with each other. They hold hands, hug and kiss or give affectionate gestures often. There is a feeling of closeness and affection between them. For more on this subject read Married People - Staying Together in The Age of Divorce by Francine Klagsburn.

“Friends come and go, but a true friend sticks by you like family.” Proverbs 18:24 The Message

Blessings, Dottie

The Red Words in Scripture

THE PURE IN HEART WILL SEE GOD!

Matthew 5:8 Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.

Matthew 5:8 You’re blessed when you get your inside world – your mind and heart – put right. Then you can see God in the outside world. The Message

Matthew 13:16-17 Blessed are your eyes for they see and your ears for they hear. For truly I say to you that many prophets and righteous men desired to see what you see, and did not see it, and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it. NASB

Luke 10:23-24 Blessed are the eyes which see the things you see, for I say to you, that many prophets and kings wished to see the things you see, and did not see them, and to hear the things you hear and did not hear them. NASB

What does it mean to have a pure heart? It’s difficult to imagine having a heart without sin, without self-centeredness, without pride. We can’t achieve a pure heart without Christ’s blood covering our sin. As we daily surrender to him we become more like him. We give up our mixed motives and become single minded – surrendered to Christ. We no longer have mixed motives. A pure heart is single minded. A person with a pure heart sees people with both discernment and empathy.

The Psalmist refers to the need for a pure heart. 

“Who shall ascend the hill of the Lord? And who shall stand in his holy place? He who has clean hands and a pure heart.” Psalm 24:3-4 ESV

“Create in me a clean heart, O God, and put a new and right spirit within me.” Psalm 51:10 RSV

Father,

You have been purifying my heart for the last twenty-four years! I thank you and praise you for this. I am far from pure but on my way. Search me, O God, and know my heart, I pray. Your Word promises we will see God! I have seen you in friends and pastors you have sent to teach me and in the many ways you are active in my life. I do know you in part and I know my knowledge of you will continue to grow. How awesome. We will see you face to face in your Kingdom!

Blessings, Dottie

APPRECIATE FATHERS

Celebrate Fathers

Q.  We hear so much in the media about the short comings of fathers. They may be abusive, absent, emotionally distant, workaholics, self-centered, immature and unable to communicate - the list is endless. Don’t most fathers do the best they can? If so, we should appreciate fathers. 

                                    

A.  Father bashing does seem to predominate in our culture. Most television shows picture Dad as either absent, uninvolved or not capable. Rarely is Dad pictured on TV as a central figure in a child’s life.              

We read the statistics that four out of ten children don’t live with their biological father and we become even more critical of fathers. We overlook the fact that six of the ten children are living with their biological fathers. In addition the four children not living with their biological father may see him on a regular basis, may have a very caring step father or other substitute father such as an uncle or a grandfather. We should appreciate fathers.

         

The break up of families due to divorce is difficult on children. However, fathers seem to receive more than their share of the blame. The divorced father is often pushed out of the child’s life by the custody arrangements or the demands of his work. Most fathers, I believe, want to be good fathers and they do the best they can to be involved in the lives of their children.

         

What are many fathers doing right? Here’s a list of things to help us appreciate fathers.

1. Most fathers are working very hard to support their family. Many work long hours at jobs they don’t enjoy. Many have jobs that are stressful or physically demanding. Many have jobs requiring travel away from the family. Many work over time, work a second job or work changing shifts so that their family will have a higher standard of living or so Mom can be at home with the children.

2. Fathers have typically been the disciplinarian in the family. Children need to know the boundaries of appropriate behavior. Many Dads set these boundaries with kindness and authority.

         

3. More fathers share household chores and child care than in the past. For some, this is awkward and seems unmanly as their own fathers never helped around the house. But they are trying to learn to be equal partners with their wife. Men often cut the grass, do home repairs, and handle automobile maintenance. 

         

4. Most Fathers spend time with their children and play with them. They take children to activities, to the park and to the store. They read to them. They play games with them. They help with school projects, Cub Scouts and Little League.

                    

5.  More and more fathers are learning to show affection openly to their wives and their children. They want to have close connections but have been taught to hide their emotions and “be strong.” This means they must struggle against their prior conditioning to give hugs or to say “I love you.” But many are doing this.

         

6.  Fathers teach children many things. Fathers teach children how to throw a ball, swing a bat or catch a fish. They teach them, even without words, what it means to be masculine. They teach their children right from wrong and about faith in God. They may even help teach their children the facts of life - probably in more detail and with more clarity about their standards than their fathers did.

         

No father is perfect. But many fathers are working hard at being a good parent. Godly fathers are a real blessing to their children. This Fathers Day let’s appreciate fathers. Let them know they are loved and appreciated. 

“As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him.” Psalm 103:13

Blessings, Dottie

This post originally appeared on Taber’s Truths, Modern Christian Living.

The Birthday of the Church

Pentecost

This Sunday June 8th is Pentecost. Most Christians know that the birth of the church occurred on the day of Pentecost, but I suspect most Christians don’t know what Pentecost meant to the Jewish people at that time. Pentecost is a Jewish festival fifty days after Passover. Pentecost celebrats the giving of the law to Moses and two loaves are offered to God in gratitude for the harvest. The Jewish law requires that no work be done on the day of Pentecost. Crowds of Jews gathered in Jerusalem from various countries to celebrate this Jewish festival.

At the Ascension Jesus ordered the disciples to go to Jerusalem and wait. Just wait. Waiting is not easy for most of us but they obeyed. Scripture says:

“They all joined together constantly in prayer.” (Acts1:14)

The Disciples Waited in Prayer
At the Ascension Jesus ordered the disciples to go to Jerusalem and wait. Just wait. Waiting is not easy for most of us but they obeyed. Scripture says: 

"They all joined together constantly in prayer." (Acts1:14) 

There were 120 believers gathered together including the disciples, and other followers, both men and women and Jesus brothers. They prayed for ten days! Perhaps this is a lesson to us that we need to pray more in order for the church to be in tune with and full of Holy Spirit power. 

The Day of Pentecost
On the day of Pentecost the disciples were in the upper room praying. Scripture says: 

When the day of Pentecost came, they were all together in one place. Suddenly a sound like the blowing of a violent wind came from heaven and filled the whole house where they were sitting. They saw what seemed to be tongues of fire that separated and came to rest on each of them. All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other tongues as the Spirit enabled them. (Acts 2:1-4). 

Hearing the noise, a crowd gathered. Peter preached to the throng of people. He gave a powerful, convicting message explaining that Jesus was crucified, died and rose again. He ascended to the right hand of God and sent the promised Holy Spirit. 

When the people heard Peter's message, "they were cut to the heart and said to Peter and the other apostles, "Brothers, what shall we do?" (Acts 2:37)

Peter replied, "Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. The promise is for you and your children and for all who are far off-for all whom the Lord our God will call."

With many other words he warned them; and he pleaded with them, "Save yourselves from this corrupt generation."Those who accepted his message were baptized, and about three thousand were added to their number that day. (Acts 2:38-41)

As a result, of this small group of Holy Spirit empowered men and women, within a century half the then-known world came to Christ.

There is so much more in the first two chapters of Acts. Read all of it today; learn more and be inspired by the birthday of the Church. And vow to spend more time in prayer and in the Word.

Blessings, Dottie

This post originally appeared here on Faithnotes.

Ascension Day

High and Lifted Up!

Scripture tells us that forty days after Jesus resurrection, that is, forty days after Easter, He ascended to heaven. This means that Ascension Day 2014 is this week on Thursday, May 29th.

The Scripture account in Luke reports:

Luke 24:50- 52 When he had led them out to the vicinity of Bethany, he lifted up his hands and blessed them. While he was blessing them, he left them and was taken up into heaven. Then they worshiped him and returned to Jerusalem with great joy. And they stayed continuously at the temple, praising God.

The Ascension of Jesus is also reported in Acts 1. Forty days after his resurrection, Jesus met His disciples on the Mount of Olives. Imagine their excitement, believing that now Jesus would establish His kingdom on earth and fulfill the great promise the Jews had clung to for centuries. Christ would be king, not just of Israel but of the whole world. Then the moment was upon them; their beloved Jesus was with them. Acts 1:6-12 then reports:

They asked Him,” Lord, are you at this time going to restore the kingdom to Israel?”

He said to them, “It is not for you to know the times of dates the Father has set by his own authority. But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.”

After he said this, he was taken up before their very eyes, and a cloud hid him from their sight. They were looking intently into the sky as he was going, when suddenly two men dressed in white stood before them. “Men of Galilee,” they said, “why do you stand here looking into the sky? This same Jesus, who has been taken from you into heaven, will come back in the same way you have seen him go into heaven.”

We need to take note today of this amazing event in history. Barclay says, “The Ascension was an absolute necessity. There had to be a final moment when Jesus was taken back to the glory that was his.” He notes that the end of his resurrection appearances had to come to a definite end rather than just peter out. Also he says, “If Jesus was to give his followers unanswerable proof that he had returned to glory the Ascension was absolutely necessary.”

There is much to ponder about this amazing event in history when Jesus returned to glory.

Blessings, Dottie

This post originally appeared here on Faithnotes.

The Red Words in Scripture

 THE MERCIFUL WILL BE SHOWN MERCY.

Matthew 5:7 Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.

Matthew 5:7 You’re blessed when you care. At the moment of being care-full, you find yourselves cared for. The Message

What is merciful? It’s not a word we use much today but it occurs many times in the Bible. Lloyd Ogilvie says merciful is his favorite word to describe God’s nature. There are so many synonyms for merciful. They include: compassionate, forgiving, kindly, gentle, gracious, sympathetic, unselfish. These are all aspects of God’s nature. Think about this: God became mercy incarnate to show us his loving heart. Do we get this? Psalm 103 gives quite a description of God’s mercy. Here’s a section of it.

“Praise the Lord, O my soul, all my inmost being praise his holy being, praise the Lord O my soul, and forget not all his benefits - who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.” Psalm 103:1-5

Barclay says the practice of mercy unites us with God; the failure of mercy separates us from God. So the ending of this beatitude is both a promise and a warning. Wow!

THE MERCIFUL WILL BE SHOWN MERCY.

Father,

You are a God of mercy. You’re not remote or aloof. You know us, love us and care for us. Your compassion knows no bounds. Your mercy is unending. From the beginning of time we have disobeyed you, ignored you and abandoned you over and over again. Then you came to earth as Mercy Incarnate. You came and lived with us and died on the cross to pay the price for our sins. You showed us the merciful heart of God.

Even so I walked away from you for decades – yet you were merciful and forgiving and welcomed me back. I don’t deserve forgiveness. I don’t deserve your favor. Yet you shower me with it. Your mercy, forgiveness and grace inspire me to be merciful to others. Show me any area where I am not compassionate or forgiving. Help me see others as you do and be merciful.

Blessings, Dottie

Teen Advice: Graduation Fears

Q. I'm a senior in high school and I can’t believe my high school days are almost over. I dread losing my high school friends. I know some of us will keep in touch but it will be different. I had lots of fun and free time in high school and I won’t have that any more. I also have no idea what I want to study in college. My friends say they’re worried but they seem more settled than I am. Are my feelings normal? What can I do to get over my graduation fears? (My Mom says I should be excited about graduating and trust God about my future.)

A. The graduation fears you’re experiencing are normal. Graduation from high school is a major transition point in life. Any major change may cause anxiety, and confusion and even depression in some young people. Often students are on edge when graduation is near. The expectation that they will now have to take on adult responsibilities is a scary reality. The student wonders can I make it in the “real world”? 

     

It’s good you are aware of the losses this change will bring into your life. Many deny their feelings or pretend all is fine. Change will impact all graduates. Even if you keep in touch with close friends after high school, there will not be the daily contact school affords. It’s normal to feel sad or unsettled about the changes, especially the loss of close friends. Your uncertainty about your college major is also common. Many students are undecided about their major even after a year or two of college.

Talk about how you’re feeling with a parent or a close friend. This will give you another perspective on your issues. Talk with a student advisor at the college you will attend to help you decide what courses to take. In most colleges you do not need to declare a major immediately. Many students change majors or seek a job after college in an area not related to their major. Even if you choose a major that doesn’t work out, it won’t be the end of your life. Many employers will train employees on the job. 

     

Have you thought of the positive side of the changes you face? Begin to think of college as a new and exciting adventure in your life. You may lose touch with some high school friends, but you will be meeting new people and making new friends in college. Though you will be busy and have to work hard, you will learn and grow from these new experiences. 

Take one day at a time as you go through the final weeks of high school and the weeks that follow graduation. You can’t solve all of the issues facing you at once. Take time to have fun with your friends during your last weeks together. 

There will be cause for celebration when you graduate, in spite of your feelings. You will have made it through high school - an achievement not everyone manages. You can feel pride and a sense of accomplishment in this. As your Mom said, be excited about graduating and trust God  for your future.

           

Congratulations graduate! Commencement doesn’t mean the end, it means a new beginning!

“Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” Hebrews 11:1 

Blessings, Dottie