Q. In the last year my
husband has become irritable over minor things. He’s critical and blaming
toward me and the kids. He blows up when driving in traffic, almost to the
point of “road rage.” He also is working long hours and seems indifferent
toward me and toward other members of the family. I’ve tried to talk with him
about what’s bothering him but he gets angry about my attempts to understand or
help him. My Mom thinks he’s depressed, but if so it sure is disguised. What do
you think is the problem? And what can I do to help him?
Depression in Men is Often Disguised
Your husband may be
depressed. Depression in men is often masked or hidden. Typically someone who is
depressed shows this with sadness, tearfulness, fatigue, loss of energy, and
feelings of worthlessness. However, these are not necessarily the symptoms of
depression in men. Male depression is often not recognized because it is
revealed in behavior rather than in feelings; depression in men may be disguised. This
stems from the fact that boys are wired and raised to “be strong,” to not be
“sissies” who cry. Since boys learn to avoid their feelings from a young age,
when they become depressed they express this through their behavior. The sad feelings
are there; they’re buried and avoided. But it is manly to get angry.
Depression Due to Loss
Loss is often the triggering
factor in depression. Has your husband faced a major loss in the last few
years? The loss of a parent or sibling through death or the loss of a job, an
economic loss or a denied promotion can be a cause of hidden depression in men.
Depression Due to A Mid-Life Crisis
Many men go through a
mid-life crisis which can be a form of depression. They are disappointed by
life and begin to wonder, “Is this all there is?” They may be unhappy or
disappointed about many areas of their life. They may feel empty inside,
with a spiritual hunger for life to have more meaning.
Depression in men can
be disguised in a number of ways. The anger and irritability you describe is
often one of the common symptoms. Workaholism is another. Work stress can cause
depression, but work can also be used as a way to cover up depression. The more
depressed a man becomes the more he may throw himself into his work in order to
numb his feelings.
The depressed man may
also pull away from all close relationships. Since he wants to avoid feeling
his inner sadness he avoids all feelings. He becomes cold and
distant. Dr. Archibald D. Hart, in Christian
Counseling Connection, says that after the male distances himself from
others he searches for outward reasons for his withdrawal. This can result in a
great deal of fault finding and blaming of his family. Hart goes on to say, “I
wonder how many divorces are the result of unrecognized male depression.”
Helping Your Depressed Husband
What can you do to
help your husband?
1. Insist that he talk
about what’s bothering him. If you can pinpoint a major recent loss in his life
encourage him to talk about the loss. For example, if he lost his father,
encourage him to talk with you about his relationship with his father.
2. Listen carefully
and don’t interrupt. Encourage him to continue talking by nodding your head or
waiting for him to continue. Ask, “Is there more about that?” Be accepting of
whatever he says is bothering him. Don’t argue or question at this point.
3. Urge him to face
any problems he has revealed or that you know about.
4. Counseling and/or
medication may be needed and can be very helpful. If he’s lost faith in God or views life as
meaningless, talking with a pastor can help.
“He will call upon me and I will answer him; I will
be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.” Psalm 91:15 NIV
Blessings, Dottie
This post appeared
previously on Taber’s Truths.
