Q. My mother-in-law is very intrusive. She calls
up frequently, says two words to me and then wants to talk with her son. She
often asks him to come over and help her with a repair or an errand. When she
visits she asks questions which I consider none of her business. She criticizes
the children and has even tried to rearrange our furniture. My husband won’t
stand up to her because he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings. We’ve been
married for ten years and she still hangs onto her son. Will she ever let go? What
do you suggest?
A. In our culture there is often a great deal of
ambivalence about mothers as well as mother-in-laws. On Mother’s Day we put mothers
on a pedestal and honor them, but in the media mothers are often the focus of
humorous put-downs. Mothers-in-law are treated with even more contempt. Mother-in-law
jokes abound.
Many of
us have mixed emotions about our mothers because mothers are so important in
our development. Our "first love" is our mother. This initial attachment
is an intense bonding. As we grow up we pull away from mother. We separate from
her in order to find our own identity. This can be a painful process for
mothers who miss the intimate connections with their children.
Your
mother-in-law wants and needs to have a loving connection with her son and his
family. Your husband wants a loving relationship with his mom as well as one
with you.
There are
several things you can do that will help. Notice times when things are going
well between you and your mother-in-law. Focus on small positive moments that
occur while with her. She needs to know that both you and her son love her and
appreciate her. What are her positive qualities? What do you enjoy about her? Share
these with her. Give hugs. Tell her you love her.
A
mother-in-law /daughter-in-law relationship can be a satisfying and enjoyable
one. Call her occasionally to chat on
the phone and volunteer news of the family. Go out to lunch or on a shopping
trip with her to strengthen your relationship. If you can see her as an ally or
even a friend she may be less intrusive.
You
cannot change your mother-in-law but you and your husband can agree on limits
to her involvement with you. Your husband should be the one to set these limits
- lovingly. For example, if she calls
during dinner he can tell her he will call back. He may also have to say no to some of her requests for help.
Her
interest in the personal affairs of your family and her attempt to rearrange
your furniture indicate she does not understand boundaries; she does not realize the importance of her
son being separate from her. Your husband needs to realize that it’s OK for him
to focus his main interest on his family now that he’s an adult. It’s OK for
him to be less involved with his mother.
A strong
bond between mother and son puts pressure on many marriages. For additional
help with this read Mothers, Sons and
Wives by H. Norman Wright, and In-laws,
Outlaws: How to Make Peace With His Family and Yours by P. Bilosfsky and F.
Sacharow. The book Boundaries by
Henry Cloud and John Townsend, though not specifically about in-laws, is very
good at defining the need for boundaries and teaching how and when to set them.
Readers:
Give extra love and appreciation this Mother’s Day to mothers and to
mothers-in-law.
“Honor your father and your mother…”
Exodus 20:12
Blessings,
Dottie
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