Does Tone of Voice Matter?

Q. My wife objects to my tone of voice which she says sounds angry or harsh. She accuses me of yelling at her and the kids. I think I talk in a normal tone of voice even when we’re disagreeing. She gets angry about my tone of voice and then we have words and we both end up angry. Does tone of voice really matter?  How can we solve this problem? 

A. Tone of voice does matter. It’s really true that “a soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” as Proverbs 15:1 tells us. A study was done years ago to discover how tone of voice affected men in the Navy being given orders. The results showed that the way a sailor was addressed largely determined the kind of response he gave. When a sailor was given an order in a soft voice he responded in a soft voice. When he was shouted at his answer was also sharp.

What we say and the way we say it affects the response we get and leads to either conflict or peace. The words that we say often give a mixed message due to our tone of voice. Our voice conveys a different message than the content. For example, it’s possible to say “Good morning!” in a tone of voice that let’s those around us know whether we’re happy, sad, tired or angry. Our voice can be mellow or harsh, sad or cheerful, tense or relaxed, serious or flippant, hostile or affectionate, gruff or warm, explosive or tender. 

           

When your wife complains about your tone of voice you need to pay attention. This doesn’t mean you are wrong and your wife is right. She may be highly sensitized to tone of voice or yelling as a result, for example, having had a parent who yelled. Accept the fact that to your wife your voice sounds harsh or even frightening. Make a point of softening your voice. Choose a signal your partner can use to tell you when your voice is becoming loud or harsh.

           

Practice saying a phrase to your wife in a variety of voice tones while she identifies your mood. The phrase you use can be anything with neutral meaning - “Good Morning!” “Pass the salt” or “How was your day?” Then reverse this. This will help you both learn to tune into the underlying feelings in the other person. It will also help you learn that much of what we communicate is communicated non-verbally. Tone of voice matters. 

“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1

Blessings, Dottie

The Commands of Jesus

ASK THE LORD FOR HARVEST WORKERS

Matt. 9:35-38 Jesus went through all the towns and villages, teaching in their synagogues, preaching the good news of the kingdom and healing every disease and sickness. When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. Then he said to his disciples, “The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest to send out workers into his harvest.”

Luke 10:2 ”The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest to send out workers into his harvest.”

John 4:35  ”I tell you open your eyes and look at the fields! They are ripe for harvest.”

ASK THE LORD FOR HARVEST WORKERS

In Mathew’s gospel the context of this plea for workers gives many details: Jesus has been preaching and teaching the good news in many towns and he healed every disease and sickness. Yet in looking over the crowd he has compassion on them because they are “harassed and helpless” like lost sheep. The Message says “his heart broke” because they are “confused and aimless.” Jesus is moved because their spiritual needs are even more desperate than their need for physical healing. This is often true of us and our world. Aren’t today’s people in our nation as well as other nations “harassed and helpless?” Aren’t many “confused and aimless?” Aren’t our spiritual needs at the root of many of our troubles?

Jesus’ call for harvest workers is not as simple as I thought. He tells the disciples to PRAY to the Lord so he will send more workers. Jesus in effect is saying our prayers make a difference. Our prayers to God for workers are effective and result in people hearing God’s call. Are we called to be workers? We should first pray and then wait for God’s specific call on our lives. What does he want me to do? There is a great need for many workers to help our sin-sick world.

PRAYER FOR HARVEST WORKERS

Father, we need harvest workers to reach out to the hurting and lost people in the world who don’t know you. We pray, as Jesus commanded, Lord, send out workers. Show us how to impact others spiritually so they can come to know you. Show us the ways you want us to spread the good news and win disciples to you. We pray for the many missionaries and ministries around the world who reach lost and desperate people offering them food, water, shelter, and medical care as well as teaching them about you. Bless and empower them. May all Christians reflect your glory to the world so you can set them free. 

Blessings, Dottie

Change That Transforms

Scripture says: “If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God who reconciled us to himself through Christ.” (2 Cor. 5:17-18)

So those who are in Christ – those who have committed their lives to Him - are completely transformed! We are new creations! Some times this is hard to believe.

In my book Changing Churches I compare Christ-like transformation to the dramatic change that happens when a caterpillar becomes a butterfly. Think about the complete metamorphosis a caterpillar experiences. The caterpillar must “die to “self.”  Buried in his cocoon for a while, at just the right time he struggles to emerge. A colorful creature appears. What an amazing change! What a marvelous transformation!

Are we new creations yet? Have we been transformed? We live a seemingly caterpillar life in this world much of the time. But as Christians we are being changed by His love and grace. Our change is a process engineered by the Holy Spirit. We are in Christ and He is in us. He molds and makes us after His will. We must renew our minds by soaking in His Word. We must “die to self” daily. When we do this focusing our eyes on Him we become new creations – like butterflies.

When “butterfly” Christians are unified as a church we are transformed into His Body here on earth. Are we amazed by this? I certainly am. Jesus said, “On this rock, I will build my church” (Matt. 16:18). The rock is Peter’s recognition that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of the living God. When the church is built on Him and His Word it will be a transforming church. We don’t transform ourselves, He does it. The early church lived in oneness with the Spirit and prayed continually. Ultimately they impacted the world.

Dear Father,

You are holy, holy, holy. You are Lord of Lords and King of Kings. Help us yield to your Holy Spirit, die to self and live transformed lives. Use us as channels for your transforming love, so the world may know that Jesus Christ is Lord.

In his precious name we pray. Amen.

May your life be filled with His transforming goodness and grace.

Blessings in Christ, Dottie

Do Questions Help or Hurt Communication?

Q.  I'm unhappy with marriage. My husband rarely volunteers information about himself. At meals I try to get conversation going and nothing happens. In fact, the he seems to resent my questions. Sometimes he acts as though I'm giving them the third degree. What do you suggest?

           

One way to improve communication with your husband is to stop asking questions! This can produce amazing results in a very short time. Most of us ask too many questions. There are many reasons why we use questions and why questions stop the flow of conversation rather than encourage it. As a talkative person you may have become anxious about what is going on inside your quiet husband. Out of your anxiety you bombard him with questions. The more questions you ask the more pushed your husband feels and the more he withdraws. Thus a vicious circle is formed. 

Questions Can Hinder Communication          

Questions "require" or "demand" an answer. The questioner expects an answer from the other person. Many of us resist anything forced upon us. We politely resist questions by giving one word answers or saying "I don't know."

           

Questions suggest an unequal relationship. The questioner is in control and is "one-up" on the person being questioned. Think for example of how you feel when questioned by a job interviewer, a teacher or a police officer. We feel good about ourselves when we feel equal to others not when we feel one-down.

           

Questions trigger defensiveness. The responder often has no idea what prompted your question yet he is expected to give an answer. Even a seemingly simple question may be experienced as an invasion of one's privacy or as a criticism.

           

Questions often avoid the main issue. For example, if you ask your husband "Do you have to work on Saturday?" He may avoid answering because he thinks you have a major chore in mind for him. Instead tell him what’s behind your question, what you’re wanting – such as "I'd like to go to a movie on Saturday. I hope you won't be too tired." The more you share directly what you think or feel the more your quiet partner will respond. It will take thought and determination to change your habit of asking questions. With time you will learn to say what you’re thinking directly without asking a question.

“The right word at the right time is like a custom made piece of jewelry.”  Proverbs 25:11 The Message

Blessings, Dottie

Listen and Obey

These are the words of Jesus

Matt. 7:24-27   Hear my words and put them into practice.

Matt. 13:9, 43  He who has ears, let him hear.

Mark 4:3          Listen!

Mark 4:9, 23    He who has ears to hear, let him hear.

Mark 4:24        Consider carefully what you hear.

Mark 7:14        Listen to me, everyone.

Luke 8:8          He who has ears to hear, let him hear.

Luke 11:28      Blessed are those who hear the word of God and obey it.

Luke 14:35      He who has ears to hear, let him hear.

John 6:45        Everyone who listens to the Father and learns from him comes to me.

John 8:31        If you hold to my teaching you are really my disciples.

John 8:51        I tell you the truth, if anyone keeps my word, he will never see death.

John 14:15      If you love me you will obey what I command.  

John 14:21      Whoever has my commands & obeys them, he is the one who loves me.

John 14:23      If anyone loves me he will obey my teaching.

John 15:14      You are my friends if you do what I command.

John 18:37      Everyone on the side of truth listens to me.

Rev. 2:7           He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches.

Rev. 2:29         He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches.

Rev. 2:11         He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches.

Rev. 2:17         He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches.

Rev. 2:29         He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches.

Rev. 3:3           Remember... what you have received and heard. Obey it and repent.

LISTEN AND OBEY

Father, 

Help us listen to you and obey you. Jesus certainly tells us repeatedly in your Word to “listen and obey.” The long list of Bible references to Jesus saying either listen, obey or both surprised me. It’s good you are patient because most of us have a hard time listening to anyone except ourselves. I confess I do.

Help us take time to listen. Teach us to bring even minor issues to you that trouble us and pray about them from our hearts. And listen. Your reassuring presence often comes when we do this. Some years ago I prayed about a difficult struggle with another person. You gave me a visual image of us kneeling side by side and you had a hand on each of our heads blessing us. I realized that you had brought us together and we could work things out. This was a turning point in our struggle and I thank you for this. Listening makes a difference.

I’m listening to you by studying the red words in the Bible. I remind myself these are words Jesus spoke! This keeps me focused on your will and shows me my flaws, failures – SINS. I confess and repent and accept your forgiveness. This is not easy.

                                                                                                                                                         

Lord, obeying you is also difficult. We have as much difficulty obeying as we do listening. Obedience is not a word I’ve ever liked, though I enjoy singing “Trust and Obey!”  You have told me several specific things you wanted me to do. I struggled with each one and questioned it. When I finally obeyed, your directions led me on new paths which stretched me and blessed me beyond my dreams. I want to listen, trust and obey! Forgive our rebellious hearts. Help us learn there’s no other way but to trust and obey.

In Praise of Pastors

Last year I read Bonhoeffer by Eric Metaxas, a biography of the noted pastor who became a martyr during Hitler’s reign. Dietrich Bonhoeffer taught pastors, focusing on their prayer life as well as their knowledge of Scripture. Metaxas writes,”Bonhoeffer took preaching seriously. For him a sermon was nothing less than the very word of God, a place where God would speak to his people. . . Preaching was not merely an intellectual exercise….It was a holy privilege to be the vessel through whom God would speak.”

Pastors have a high calling from God and are most effective when, like Bonhoeffer, “they are entirely in God’s grasp.” Pastors engage in a demanding vocation. They need to be love, appreciated, encouraged and supported.

Pastors have played a huge role in my life. My father, grandfather and a brother-in-law were pastors. Here’s an excerpt from Changing Churches about pastors:

Pastors perform a variety of tasks and are on call, day in and day out. My father wrote in an old diary, "I’m excited about my first church, but it’s   hard to imagine giving up my  

Sundays and my weekends for the rest of my life."

Pastors follow a different schedule than most of us. They give up their weekends and 

holidays —because they’re working. They’re in demand at odd hours—when people are sick, when tragedy strikes, and on happy occasions like weddings. Often their family life is slighted.

Pastors also suffer from the apathy of members. Parents who pour their hearts into their children know how it hurts when their children are indifferent. This is also true for pastors. John MacArthur says, “The toughest thing to deal with in the ministry is indifference.” Spurgeon, in the late nineteenth century, said the same thing, “Everywhere there is apathy. Nobody cares whether that which is preached is true or false. A sermon is a sermon whatever the subject; only, the shorter it is the better.”

Pastors and leaders are under attack from needy or disgruntled church members. They can’t possibly meet the expectations of every member, and Satan also is after them!

Chuck Swindoll, in his book, The Church Awakening says, “Any pastor who is doing the hard work of communicating the truth—and also living it—lives with a big, bold bull’s-eye on his chest. Every courageous pastor who speaks the truth is under the gun. He is in the direct line of fire from the adversary. . . Pray for your pastor! He needs it more than you can imagine. I urge you also to let him know of your commitment to pray for him.”

Christians, respect, value, and love your pastors and pray for them daily. They are human and have a difficult and holy job.

Blessings, Dottie

COMMUNICATION IN MARRIAGE

Q.  My husband and I never quite understand each other. Our communication always adds to the tension between us instead of making things better. When I try to explain my reasons for something he gets upset. He gets testy when I give my opinion or when I give him advice about something. We get along fine in many ways. Why is communication in marriage so difficult? What can I do to improve our communication?

A. Most of us have difficulty understanding our spouses and accepting them as they are.  Instead we often reject our spouse’s ideas and feelings. We’re not doing this purposely or maliciously. We do it unwittingly because we are wrapped up in ourselves and in our own perspective. In order to truly connect we must see things from the other person’s point of view. This is not easy because it involves letting go of our own perceptions and letting go of our belief that we know what’s best for our spouse or our belief that they can’t figure out their problems without our advice or our correction.

Ineffective Communication in Marriage          

There are a number of ways in which you may be rejecting your husband’s ideas  - without realizing it. From his view point you are dismissing his comments whenever you jump right in to explain, defend, apologize, attack, give advice, question or correct. 

           

Notice your responses and learn to recognize which tactics you use most often with your husband. You may say,

“What I meant was...” (Explaining or Defending),

“But you did such and such...” (Attacking),

“Why don’t you...?” (Advising),

“Why do you think that?” (Questioning),

“What you really mean is...” (Correcting)

           

All of these responses negate or reject your husband’s feelings or ideas. They don’t accept him as he is. They don’t validate his ideas or feelings. Instead of these habitual responses you will need to learn to listen to him from his point of view. Then your responses will be ones in which you reflect, clarify, explore or extend what his thoughts are. These responses will feel supportive to him even though you aren’t necessarily agreeing with him.

Effective Communication in Marriage 

Suppose for example your husband describes a problem he is having at work. To reflect or mirror his communication you would respond by summarizing what you heard him say. This will encourage your husband to express his feelings about the work problem. If your husband doesn't continue you might say, "I wonder if you're angry and disappointed (or whatever you think he is feeling) about that." Identifying with what your husband has experienced and empathizing with him will help you establish contact.

You can also say,

 “Are you saying...?” (Clarifying), 

“Tell me more about that.”  (Exploring) and

“I can see that you feel...do you also feel...?” (Extending).

When someone catches our meaning we feel understood. This helps us feel connected to the other person. It’s essential to mirror, empathize and validate our spouses. When this type of communication occurs we feel safe because we are accepted and loved just as we are. 

Learning to do this will take practice, persistence and some humility.

“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” Ephesians 4:2

Blessings, Dottie