Building Up Your Marriage

 Q.  My wife and I are at odds with each other. We often bicker over minor issues.  We’re short with each other and then become distant. We may have a few days of some closeness and then it’s back to arguing again. We love each other and don’t understand the problem. What can we do to change things? Do we need counseling? 

A.  Most of us need to learn what makes a marriage work. We expect marriage to be easy and take no effort. This is a false expectation. We need to learn that everything you do in your marriage is either building up the relationship or tearing it down. If you want to have a good marriage you need to pay attention to this fact and make a point of doing the things that will build up your relationship and not doing the things that tear it down. If one person does these things it will change the relationship for the better.

You can no doubt think of many ways to either build up or tear down your marriage. I will list a few to get you thinking in the right direction.

Building up: Treat your wife with respect. This includes being courteous, friendly, kind, patient.

Tearing down: Disrespectful words or actions hurt your relationship. You’re disrespectful when you’re sarcastic, gruff, mean, belittling and any time you raise your voice.

Building up: Accept your own part in the issues. Take responsibility for your own feelings and actions. Your wife is not responsible for your feelings or your happiness. You are. 

Tearing down:  Blaming is destructive and will elicit defensiveness. Blame hurts the relationship. A blaming sentence often starts with “You…..”  Instead use “I” statements and tell your wife what you want. “I would like it if you would….”

         

Building up: Be honest and open. Tell your partner the truth about yourself and your feelings. Let her know when something bothers you. But do this using “I“ statements.

Tearing down:  Telling a lie or hiding the truth is destructive. When you avoid the truth even when your motive is to keep the peace or not hurt the other person’s feelings - you are hurting your marriage. Your wife can’t please you if you don’t share your wishes and needs openly.

Building up:  Give time and attention to your wife. Listen carefully to understand her. This is love in action.

Tearing down:  Not being available is hurtful and so is not listening. When the TV is on your attention is divided even if you’re talking with each other.

Building up:  Be cooperative with your wife; work together, realize you’re both “on the same team” and have each other’s interests at heart.

Tearing down:  Trying to “win” an argument damages the marriage. Why do you have to prove you’re right and she’s wrong? 

         

Building up:  Say “I love you.” Be affectionate. Remember birthdays and anniversaries. Give positive feedback: “You look nice today.” “I love your smile.” 

Tearing down:  Ignoring your wife, and being rude or condescending to her tears down the marriage.

         

Building up:  Learn to forgive when you’ve been hurt. Learn to say “I’m sorry” when you know you’ve hurt the other person. Do what you can to make amends and repair the damage.

Tearing down:  Refusing to admit your mistakes damages the marriage. Holding grudges does also.

         

Counseling can help you both stop the bickering and learn to build up your marriage. The Third Option group for hurting couples or the Weekend to Remember can also help you build up your marriage. To find Christian counselors or marriage programs contact a local church and ask for resources or see www.smartmarriages.com.

“Love each other with genuine affection and take delight in honoring each other.” Romans 12:10 NLT

Blessings, Dottie

Three Book Reviews: Living Life to the Fullest

Living Life to the Fullest

As we begin a New Year you may want to read one or more of the following three books. Each book will give you new perspectives about what living and dying is all about. Put this wisdom into practice and you will grow in love and grace in the coming year.

Don’t Waste Your Life by John Piper

John Piper’s book inspired and informed my mind and heart about the danger of Christians wasting our life rather than being intentional about how we spend it. Unless we lose our life – we waste our life. Risks are worth it and necessary. This is Piper’s thesis throughout the book. His detailed application of what it means to be “crucified” with Christ yet live for him gave me new understanding – both intellectually and emotionally of the profound and difficult meaning of this Scripture.

Piper cites Luke 21:16-18 in which Jesus says, “Some of you will be put to death. You will be hated by all for my name’s sake, but not a hair on your head will perish.” The ambiguity of this statement is explored at length and Piper concludes – you may suffer, you may die, but “you will have everything you need to do his will and be eternally and supremely happy in him.”

Piper questions the daily life of Christians who live comfortably and securely. He paraphrases scripture: “Even sinners work hard, avoid gross sin, watch TV at night, and do fun stuff on the weekend. What more are you doing than others?”

He also says:

• “Missions is not only crucial for the life of the world. It is crucial for the life of the church. We will perish with our wealth if we do not pour ourselves out in ministries of mercy at home and mission among the unreached peoples.”
• “We exist to spread a passion for God’s supremacy in all things for the joy of all peoples through Jesus Christ.”

This book is dangerous. It will challenge you to change, to take risks to live completely for Christ.

A Season of Mystery: Ten Spiritual Practices for Embracing A Happier Second Half of Life by Paula Husted

I purchased this book after reading a prior very profound book by the same author titled Forgiveness. This one is also excellent though quite different. In this book Huston reveals more of her own background prior to returning to her Catholic faith and then becoming an oblate. She struggles now with the issues of aging and tells how we can avoid becoming a crotchety old person. The disciplines she describes include practices helpful to all: listening, delighting, lightening, settling, confronting, accepting, befriending, generating and blessing. A final chapter on Departing is touching and insightful. Husted illustrates each chapter with vignettes of her experiences with friends and family. She encourages us to view aging in a positive way, to appreciate the benefits of aging and the benefits of knowing and enjoying elderly friends.

Death by Living: Life is Meant to be Spent By N. D. Wilson

Death by Living is a poetic, nonlinear description of life as we live it. Life is story. We are in the middle of our story. This is the theme of Wilson’s book. He writes about the life of his grandparents – now dead. These stories are scattered throughout the book along with tales of raising five children and philosophizing about God and the meaning of life. I read this book twice so I could understand it and remember it. I still don’t quite understand it!  I enjoyed the stories about his grandparents and God’s providence is evident in these. 

Wilson’s thoughts on God, time and life are profound. Here are several examples:

·       “Time strips us. Time keeps us from hunkering down on our piles of stuff. Time motivates us. Sure, time counts up, but it is also a game clock, counting down….Time is kindness. We need it. We need loss to appreciate gift.” 110-111

·       “Taste everyone of time’s moments. Swallow. Taste the next. Drink the water. Drink the wine. It is no use left in the glass. Sweat and struggle. Run. Fight. Receive. Give. Be grateful even for death, for the ticking clock counting down on you.” 114

·       “Be as empty as you can be when the clock runs down. Spend your life. And if time is a river you leave a wake.” 117

·       “The God who looked on you with joy when you were small and racing across His gift of green grass on His gift of feet beneath His gift of sky watched by His gift of a mother with His gift of love in His gift of her eyes, is the same God who will look on you as that race finally ends. He is the same but we have changed, between our opening lines and our final page.” 163

Life is meant to be spent. I do understand this. And God is bigger than we imagine.

New Year Blessings,

Dottie

Deleting Worship

No Worship this Sunday? 

Should worship be deleted the last Sunday of the year? Should worship be cancelled because of busy Christmas schedules? For several years many churches have deleted worship on the last weekend of the year. (They’ve held just a token worship service in a chapel in place of three large services.) There are arguments in support of this. 

Christmas is such a busy season. Shopping, planning, cooking, parties and special music events and Christmas Eve services lead up to Christmas. The staff works hard and long through out the holidays. Church members, especially those who volunteer, are tired and need time off. Everyone needs a rest, so why not cancel church?

Christians in countries where the church is persecuted would wonder about this. Christians in China, India, Pakistan or Saudi Arabia risk their lives to worship. They would not understand our churches canceling worship. Why would a church free to worship, delete worship? Why would they do this during this significant Holy season? Does this keep Christ in Christmas? 

Yet in recent years churches in the USA have cancelled church in order to rest from busy holiday events and preparations and to enjoy lavish family gatherings. In its place they encourage family worship at home, a poor substitute. They cater to the C. and E. Christians by offering five or six Christmas Eve services and neglect the devout believers who want to worship every Sunday. It promotes a shallow faith.

Should the secular, economy boosting aspects of Christmas take precedence over the true and holy meaning of the day?  

Sunday is a day of rest set aside to gather as a church. The Sabbath is to be kept Holy. We must spend time in worship as a church every Sunday. To cancel this is unthinkable.

What about "Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy?" (Ex. 20:8) What about "Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing?" (Heb. 10:25a)

What about the New Year? From 2006 on some churches virtually did away with worship on the last Sunday of the year. The end of the year and the beginning of a new year is a special time to reflect on the past and make resolutions for the future. It's a time to worship our Holy God with our brothers and sisters in Christ.  

Let's find a church that is open and worship Christ the Lord this Sunday.

Blessings, Dottie

A Charlie Brown Christmas

Changes at Christmas

Eight or nine years ago our church worship morphed from blended traditional to out right contemporary music and worship. We adapted as best we could most of the time. We sang the choruses, listened to the praise team, focused on the repetitive words, praising God. And an occasional hymn or hymn phrase fed our souls. "Amazing Grace..."

At Christmas we were further challenged. Contemporary worship at Christmas left even more to be desired. We experienced two Christmas seasons with no traditional Christmas carols and no classical Christmas music. Instead we were "entertained" by contemporary music.  

Adapting to seekers is a common strategy in today's churches. This seems misguided at Christmas. Many seekers grew up in church. Most everyone holds these Christmas songs, music and Scripture secreted in the inner recesses of their heart, mind and soul. These songs, music and Scripture tell the amazing story of the birth of Christ. They tell the Reason for the Season. God came to earth as a babe in a manger. He came down to us to show us who He is and to redeem us. God intersected history in person. Why are churches deleting Christmas carols that tell about this marvelous event?     

   

"O Come, All Ye Faithful . . ." O Little Town of Bethlehem. . ." "Silent Night, Holy Night. . ." Hark! The Herald Angels Sing. . ." "Joy to the World. . ." All missing!

We were unbelievers for years, but we enjoyed Christmas carols playing in stores as we shopped or on the radio as we traveled. We also watched Christmas TV programs, especially Charlie Brown's Christmas. In this well known story Charlie Brown is depressed. He visits Lucy's psychiatric booth and she recommends he get involved in a nativity play. Twists and turns in the plot include Snoopy's elaborate decoration of his dog house (commercialization of Christmas by a dog) and the other children attempting to modernize the play (messing with tradition). 

Charlie Brown searches for a Christmas tree determined to focus on the traditional side of the story. The children laugh at the scrawny tree he finds, throwing Charlie Brown back into despair about discovering the real meaning of Christmas. Linus then takes center stage and quotes the second chapter of the Gospel according to Luke, verses 8 through 14 from the King James Version.

"'And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace and goodwill towards men.'"

Pastors and Churches: Take a lesson from Charlie Brown. Keep the Christmas worship traditional. Sing the carols. Read the Christmas scripture. As Linus said,

That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown."

Christmas Blessings, Dottie

Family Visits at Christmas

Q.  Every year during the Christmas holidays we visit my family and my husband’s family. Every year we are distressed by these visits. His family treats him like a child and ignores me. My parents are almost as difficult. No matter how long we stay they complain about the shortness of our visit. What can we do to make these family visits at Christmas less difficult and more enjoyable?

Visiting Parents and In-Laws

Family visits at Christmas can be fraught with problems. When we visit our parents as adults we may revert to our childhood role in the family. Whether we act like children again or are treated as though we are still a child, old issues between us and our parents often rear their heads. This can be confusing to our partner. All of a sudden a strong, capable husband or wife is acting like a mama’s boy or girl. They did not experience your history of slights or hurts so can’t understand the current issue.

Your spouse may also feel excluded during family visits at Christmas. We are back in the family nest, all cozy and comfortable, having intense, meaningful or even hilarious times with our parents and siblings and they feel left out. They don’t know the inside jokes. They don’t share the history of our past.

You may be dismayed at your own reactions to your family or to minor changes your parents have made. Your former room may now be in use as a study, for example. Childhood hurts and patterns can haunt us for a long time.

         

Your parents may feel sad because they’re no longer as important to you as they once were. Depending on the needs and maturity of your parents they may demand more time or attention, find fault with you or your spouse, or accept things as they are. Letting go of children isn’t easy. Family visits at Christmas may be difficult for them also.    

Preparing for Holiday Visits with Family

There are a number of things you can do to prepare for visiting your families this Christmas.

 

1. Talk over in detail with your spouse the problems you expect. Listen carefully and get a clear understanding of the problem issues for each of you. Then brainstorm about how to handle these problems. Be united and it will help you relax and enjoy both families.

         

2. Set up signals to use while visiting to let each other know when something is upsetting either one of you. Make a plan to talk alone each day about how things are going. Couples need some privacy even during visits.

3. Remind yourself that your first loyalty is to your spouse now, not to your parents or siblings. This is what marriage is all about. When family conflict occurs side with your spouse, no matter what.

         

4. Talk with your own parents ahead of time if there are specific problems that need to be addressed. Make clear to them the time you will arrive and when you will leave. Let them know also about any other plans. You may want to take a day to visit friends nearby. This will give them time to adjust to your expectations.

         

5. Show love and appreciation to your parents and your in-laws. In spite of their flaws they love you and they will put time, effort and money into entertaining you when you visit. Be respectful and understanding toward them.

6. Remember “the Reason for the Season,” Christ gave up his home to come to us as a babe, to live with us, teach us and redeem up, giving his life for us. Problems melt in the knowledge of the eternal God. Enjoy the Christmas celebrations and “Honor your father and mother. “ Deut. 5:16

I hope these ideas help you have blessed family visits at Christmas.

Blessings, Dottie

A PERFECT CHRISTMAS FOR AN IMPERFECT FAMILY

Q.  Each year I put all my energy into making Christmas magical and special for everyone. But my husband couldn't care less. He gripes about the money I'm spending and puts a wet blanket on the holidays. In addition, the kids get so excited that they're hyper for weeks beforehand. Then to top it off my mother spends Christmas with us and is always sad because Dad isn't with us. (He died 4 years ago.) I thought Christmas was supposed to be a perfect time of family harmony. What am I doing wrong? What can I do to create a perfect Christmas for us all?

Wanting A Perfect Christmas

You cannot single handedly make Christmas perfect for your family. They need to be involved. Are you so busy with Christmas preparations that you’re giving your family less attention than usual? If so, they may resort to irritable or impatient behavior to get your attention. In other words, you may need to change your own attitude and behavior during the preparations for Christmas so that you aren't neglecting anyone and so they feel included. Relax and focus on the joy and promise of Christmas. Lighten your mood and this will help everyone lighten up.

Have a talk with your husband. Ask him how he would like the family to celebrate Christmas. What does he enjoy the most? What does he enjoy the least? How did his family celebrate Christmas when he was a child? How much money does he think the family should spend? What would a perfect Christmas look like to him? Listen carefully to his answers and don't jump in and disagree.

    

Enlist his ideas and help in shopping and carrying out plans. If he's an active participant he will do less complaining. Can you give up some control of the holiday planning in exchange for a happier husband? If the two of you are really at odds, talk with a pastor or counselor. A family cannot have a perfect Christmas if major differences are unsettled.

    

Once you and your husband are in agreement, a family meeting can also be helpful.  Listen to your children's ideas about how they picture a perfect Christmas. Work their ideas into your plans if possible. Let them know what is planned and that their help is needed. Just before your mother arrives you might have a cleaning hour with everyone in the family working for an hour. The children can help dust, vacuum, put toys away, and so forth. An advent calendar in which the children mark off the days until Christmas can help them understand how long they have to wait. Teach them also that much of the fun of Christmas is the planning and anticipation of the day. Be excited with them.

    

When your mother mentions her sadness at losing your Dad, spend an hour or more encouraging her to talk about him. Look through old photo albums and reminisce with her. Perhaps she would like to tell the children some story about him they've never heard. Rather than detracting from the Holiday spirit talking about your Dad can help you become closer to your mother as well as helping all of you grieve his loss. After your Mom has talked at length you might ask her if she thinks your Dad would mind if she enjoyed Christmas without him here. She may feel she's being disloyal if she’s not sad. You won’t have a perfect Christmas but it can come closer to being so.

To have perfect Christmas focus on the reason for the season. Worship together, sing Christmas Carols, attend special Christmas church events together. Focus as a family on the meaning of Christmas. The most magical and special Christmas was the first one. It was a perfect Christmas.

“For unto us a child is born.” Isaiah 9:6 NIV

Blessings, Dottie

CHANGING CHRISTMAS PLANS

Q.  I’m upset about our son and daughter-in-law changing Christmas plans. They’re spending several days, including Christmas, with her family because her brother is coming home from out of state. In prior years they have split Christmas day between their two families since we live only a few hours apart. I’m having a hard time accepting their plans. How can I handle my hurt without letting it interfere with my husband and I having a good time when they do celebrate with us on the 28th?

A.  When adult children marry and begin lives apart from parents, changing Christmas plans is the norm. Many families struggle with these changes. We want the original family unit to be together for the special Christmas excitement and celebration. But young married couples have two families. Often they feel torn and confused about how to balance their desire to be with both families. They may spend part of each Christmas day with each family and part on the road between families. This can be a burden for them. Do they eat two Christmas dinners - one at each home so no one will be upset? Do they rush through one celebration so they won’t be late for the next one?

         

Also, as young adults have children, they may want to celebrate at home with their own children. There are many reasons for this but the main one is the difficulty of traveling with young children, the car crammed with gifts. Young families also need to start their own family traditions at home such as hanging up stockings and going to Christmas Eve services in their own church. The holiday scheduling is further complicated when adult brothers and sisters are involved and wanting to celebrate together yet also wanting to visit their in-law’s families. 

         

I hope this helps you understand that you are not the only one suffering from adult children changing Christmas plans. Though it may appear that you have been given the short end of the celebration plans there may be some benefits to this. For example, your son and daughter-in-law may be more relaxed when they visit you because of the more leisurely pace this arrangement affords. 

The following will also help you accept this plan:       

1. Write out your feelings about the changing Christmas plans. Express your disappointment, hurt and anger. This will help you get over your disappointment and be ready to enjoy the celebration. Write for twenty minutes without censoring. If you are still troubled the next day, repeat this again for another day or two.

         

2. Mend fences with your son and daughter-in-law if they know of your unhappiness.  This can be done in a short phone call, a brief note or an email. Do this now.

                    

3. Find a way to enjoy Christmas day without them. Invite friends or neighbors who are alone to have Christmas dinner with you. Or volunteer to help at a hospital or nursing home on Christmas Day, allowing employees to be with their families. Or relax and have a special meal and open a few gifts with your husband.

4. Focus on the blessings and meaning of Christmas. Participate in Sunday church services and a Christmas Eve worship celebration. Many joyful celebrations of Christmas are also shown on TV on Christmas Eve and on Christmas day. Think about the true meaning of Christmas - God came down to earth as a baby. He came to show us he is personal and he is love. Read accounts in Matthew 1:18-24, Luke 2:1-10, Matthew 2:1-12 in this order.                                                                                                                          

I hope these ideas will help you have a joyful, loving and meaningful Christmas.

“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things came into being through Him, and apart from Him nothing came into being that has come into being. In Him was life and the life was the Light of men.” John 1:1-4

Christmas blessings, Dottie