The
romantic stage is easy, almost effortless, and we expect our marriage to
continue on this high note. But no marriage does. Once we’re married and the
newness has worn off of our relationship we become lazy and take each other for granted. We put less effort into
the marriage. We also begin to see our partner in a more realistic
light. There are traits we don’t love, ways in which we’re different and things
we disagree about. We become disillusioned.
We enter marriage not knowing much about it. Our only lessons on marriage have been
watching our parents’ interactions and these are often dysfunctional or misunderstood
by us as children. We never learn what it takes to make intimate relationships
work. We don’t realize that marriage
takes work. We need to put as much time, effort, energy and planning
into our relationship as we do into our career, our children, or even into our
yard.
Working on our marriage may be painful.
We often bring childhood scars or deficits into marriage expecting our
partner to make everything right. Sometimes marriage can heal old wounds or
satisfy longings never met before. More often, we expect too much from our
partner in this regard. We need to recognize that many of our marital conflicts
have to do with stuff from the past. Dad ignored me so I flare up when my
partner does the same thing. Or Mom was so controlling, I’ll never let anyone
else tell me what to do. We must learn to let go of the past.
There are
many ways to learn about and work on relationships. Couples can read books or
watch videos on marriage and discuss them. Marriage Encounter weekends and Weekend to Remember will help
couples with communication. The Third
Option group for couples covers fourteen different topics having to do
with making marriage work. This will help you understand where you need to grow
and it will give you the tools and skills needed to improve your marriage. Third Option Sharing Couples
will convince you your struggles are normal and that marriage takes work. Counseling can also teach much.
“Let love and faithfulness never leave
you.” Proverbs 3:3
Blessings,
Dottie
Dottie: Thank you for the message here. I had been married a while when I found out there was going to be another divorce in my family of origin. I called a woman at the church I was in, explained what I had heard and asked the question,"Does this mean that I will go through a divorce, also?" She told me that marriage is something we have to work at. If my parents had told me this when I was growing up, I don't remember hearing it.
ReplyDelete